The Argument Sketch |
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| Episode: | The Money Programme (2 November 1972) |
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| Writer(s): | John Cleese Graham Chapman |
| Actors: | Michael Palin John Cleese Graham Chapman Eric Idle Terry Jones Rita Davies |
The Argument Sketch (or Argument, Argument Clinic, or Six More Minutes of Monty Python's Flying Circus when including the non-argument sections) is a sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus. It appeared in the show's 29th episode, following the ending credits. It featured Michael Palin and John Cleese. In addition to Cleese and Palin, supporting roles were provided by Rita Davies, Graham Chapman, Eric Idle, and Terry Jones.
Palin pays a receptionist (Davies) to have a five-minute argument. The receptionist directs him to Chapman's room, but when he walks in, Chapman hurls abuse at him, calling him a "tit" and a "heap of parrot droppings". After Palin protests that he wanted to have an argument, Chapman apologetically informs him that he's come to the wrong room: his job is solely to deliver abuse, while arguments are located next door. After Palin leaves, Chapman calls him a "stupid git".
Palin then enters Cleese's room, and double-checks that he is in the right place for his argument; Cleese manages to use his answer to start the argument by arguing with Palin that he has already told him the answer, with the argument broken temporarily while Cleese confirms the payment arrangements. The argument is petty, and consists primarily of the two men directly contradicting each other. Palin becomes frustrated with this, insisting that he paid for an argument, and "an argument is an intellectual process, while contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says." The two engage in a meta-argument about what constitutes an argument, until Cleese rings a bell signifying the end of the five minutes, even though barely a minute has elapsed.
Palin tries to argue that the first argument was too short; however, he is unable to negotiate, because Cleese refuses to argue unless Palin pays for another session. Palin begrudgingly pays again, and again tries to argue that the first session was too short; however Cleese instead starts to argue that he can't argue because Palin still hasn't paid. Palin tries to use logic and reason to defeat Cleese ("if you're arguing, I must have paid"), but when Cleese's answers start becoming particularly silly (that he might be arguing in his spare time), Palin gets annoyed and leaves to complain.
Palin goes straight to a room labelled "Complaints", only to find himself confronted by a professional complainer (Idle). Palin tries another room, but is hit immediately in the head by Jones wielding a large mallet. Jones reveals that he is giving "being-hit-on-the-head-lessons" (which apparently is done "properly" by clutching one's head and exclaiming "Whaaah!"), which Palin proclaims to be a "stupid concept".
The sketch is then interrupted when Palin and Jones are arrested by Inspector Fox (Chapman) for violating the "Strange Sketch Act", before the entire show is arrested by Inspector Thompson's Gazelle (Idle) for violating the "Getting-Out-of-Sketches-Without-Using-a-Proper-Punch-Line Act", viz. "simply ending every bleeding sketch by just having a policeman come in"; this had been a running joke throughout the whole episode. He then realises that he is himself an accessory to the violation, and is arrested by another policeman (Cleese), who in turn is immediately arrested by yet another policeman for the same reason, before the sketch finally ends. In Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl, the sketch features the discussion with the receptionist (played here by Carol Cleveland), the abuse from Chapman, and most of the argument between Cleese and Palin. It is then ended abruptly by the entrance of Terry Gilliam, on wires, singing 'I've Got Two Legs'.